Can we stop judging each other?
Jim May 9th, 2012
I’ve judged a lot of people in my life and I’m not proud of it. What I mean by “judge” is taking what little you think you know about a person or a situation, or interpreting another person’s actions in a way where you feel justified in making a disparaging conclusion about them. That judgment is the first domino that falls, typically leading to objectifying the other person, and withholding love, acceptance, understanding, empathy, and compassion. Sometimes judgment can be so severe that one actively seeks to punish or inflict harm upon the person they judge.
To be honest, judging is easy to do. Almost reflexively, we can convert the tiniest shred of knowledge about a person or situation and come up with a rather imaginative and harsh theory about them. I’m the first to admit that I can do this with the best of them! If I’m in a judgmental kind of way, I can come up with some bad stuff about the guy ahead of me in the grocery express lane just because he has too many items, and I’m in a hurry!
Realistically, it’s difficult to break the habit of judging until you have painfully been on the receiving end of it. Even then, it’s no guarantee. Surprisingly, some people who have suffered under the harsh judgment of others, still continue being judgmental people themselves.
I’ve been on both sides – the person judging and the person being judged. Here are a few things I am learning.
You don’t know what is going on inside another person. How many times have you been asked how you are, and said “fine,” even though you weren’t? We all know this is true. We mask our pain. We put on the happy/smiley face when we are dying inside. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean another person isn’t hurting. A person’s actions or behaviors may not be any indication of what is going on inside of them.
Also, I’ve found that most people are doing the best they can. I know this is sometimes difficult to believe about another person. I get that. It’s hard for me at times to believe that about others.
But think about it. You know it’s true. It’s complicated! Life is complicated! People are complicated! There are a lot of moving parts inside and outside a person. Aren’t we all a little off – carrying pain, unhealed wounds, ways we protect ourselves, and other dysfunctions we have picked up a long the way?
At times we can look at another person’s life and just see all this stupid stuff it appears they’re doing. On the outside looking in, another person’s life seems pretty cut and dry to us in terms of what they should be doing or not doing or how they are handing a situation or whatever. It’s amazing how quickly we turn into the infallible personal life coach when it comes to another person’s life!
Unfortunately when a person is judged, all the aforementioned factors often come into play: A person is experiencing their own hurt or heartache; they are doing the best that they can; and someone on the outside feels justified to draw an unforgiving conclusion and off they go passing judgment, objectifying the person, and withholding love.
It’s quite possible that the most painful human feeling is one of being judged. There’s so much involved – silent pain; being misunderstood; rejection in the very moment we most need understanding, love and acceptance.
When it comes to the issue of judgment it can easily turn into a big emotional ordeal. You’d think religion would make a person less judgmental but often religious people are the worst! What’s that about???
So, how can we learn to do life without judgment – the kind of judgment I’ve been describing above? What has helped you approach life and people without judgment? What is at the root of judgment? Maybe that’s one way of addressing it. Are there spiritual beliefs or truths that have helped you approach life and people without judgment? What is the change of mind or heart that makes the difference?
“I judge him. He judges me. We judge them. They judge us.” How do we change this? Let’s say next time when you are prone to judge another person, you do the other thing. What is that other thing? If not judgment, what is the alternative? What can we give people? What would it look like? I’m sure we all have stories about how we have been judged, and how painful it was. Is there anyone out there who has been either on the giving or receiving end of not judging? Tell us. Describe it. What happened? What did it feel like?
(photo by darla)
