life…one day at a time

Jim June 25th, 2010

as the car rolled i knew it must be my time to die. upside down and hanging from my seatbelt, i was certain i had sustained fatal injuries. at first i panicked. i was trapped, left for dead. the other car was on fire. how long before mine would be? i couldn’t breathe. i didn’t want to suffocate or burn to death. but th…en i was calmed. it was dark. i was alone. no one had yet arrived on the scene. it was just me trapped in the darkness and waiting to die. in my heart i came to peace with it. i entered deep into myself and let the whole world go and everyone in it that i loved. i cried. i said goodbye and somehow it was okay. i was ready to die. but then i heard a voice in the darkness, “Are you okay down there?”

***

” suddenly a face appeared. a fireman was laying on the ground next to the car looking through the window. we met eyes and he said confidently, “We’re going to get you out.” i turned my head when he shattered the glass of the window. he reached in and i grabbed his arms, pulling myself toward the opening. i slid through …the window and came out across his body. for a few moments i just layed there. lights flashing, sirens screaming, people shouting, commotion all around…but inside my head it became totally quiet and still. what is this space…this place…that can be so still when everything about me is in chaos?”

***

“**CNN BREAKING NEWS** (June 10, Nashville) NASHVILLE MAN DRIVES THERAPIST TO EARLY RETIREMENT. Today outside her office, Julie Clawson, LCP announced it was necessary that she shut down her therapy practice and run for the hills after suffering great emotional trauma from a 90-minute session with Nashville man Jim Palm…er. Bringing an end to 16 years of private practice, Clawson broke down before reporters, “If people in our world are that screwed up, I simply can’t do this anymore. I can’t take it!!!!” Reports indicate that Jim Palmer was so far off the fairway of mental health that Clawson was suddenly pushed over the edge by his relentless barrage of issues including: codependency (like, it was SO bad); all kinds of messed up insecurities, fears, and irrational thinking; two recent near-death experiences; running addiction; a twisted fascination with the Bee Gees and Forrest Gump videos, and just a whole bunch of other super unhealthy stuff. Palmer issued this statement, “I take complete 100% responsibility. All I wanted was for her to be happy.”

***

The Jim Palmer Easy Fitness Guide:

Fitness Level Good: I can wake up any day and run 26.2 miles.
Fitness Level Better: I can wake up any day and run 26.2 miles and do it again the next day.
Fitness Level Best: I can run 26.2 miles 5 out of 7 days.
Fitness Level Elite: I once knew what running 26.2 miles was like.

***

sometimes it’s just best to jump.

***

***CNN Headlines*** [June 16] Nashville Man Discovers Personal Boundaries. CNN is reporting that at 11:42 CST, Jim Palmer of Nashville, TN finally figured out he’s supposed to have personal boundaries. CNN attained an audio portion from the session, “Wait a minute! You mean to tell me that just because a person pushes …themselves into my life to manipulate, use and control me, I actually don’t have to let them???” This moment of realization came on the heels of a very long and exhausting therapy session where Palmer also discovered” he had legitimate desires and needs; wasn’t soley responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of all sentient beings; that it was okay to say “no;” and that he has an independent existence apart from the expectations of others. Palmer forfeited an earlier opportunity to learn these very lessons after giving away his newly-purchased copy of Codependent No More, attempting to help a hurting friend who he figured needed the book more than he did. Palmer is believed to be resting comfortably in his Nashville home where he is watching Kobe Bryant videos and wondering if he will be abandoned by the entire human race and left in total darkness if he puts up a boundary.

***

sometimes love hurts….

***

sometimes i wish there was a getaway car….

***

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel
your pain.

- Jim Morrison

***

***CNN ALERT*** NASHVILLE MAN HELD HOSTAGE BY HIS EGO. This morning at 8:17 CST Nashville man, Jim Palmer, called 9-1-1 reporting that he had been taken hostage by his EGO. The incident took place while Palmer was running on the Nashville greenway. CNN has learned that while Palmer was running some asshole appearing to… be 10 years his junior, ran past him. Palmer reasoned it out by remembering that he recently suffered significant injuries in two near-death experiences and it was okay to run a slower pace in an effort to sensibly build back to his previous level of endurance. Palmer told 9-1-1 operator that immediately following that rational thought he was seized and held hostage by his Ego, telling him, “What are you thinking Palmer?! I don’t care how many cracked ribs you have!! You know the rules and rule #1 is NO ONE passes you on the greenway (period!). You’re just gonna let wonderboy run away like that??? You’re a frickin embarassment to ultra runners worldwide. Get your ass in gear and let’s go!!! Catch him!” Under diress, Palmer was coerced into picking up his stride and closed the distance between them. He caught wonderboy and matched his pace, staying right behind him. Both of them finished together. Palmer was delighted to see that wonderboy had finished his run because he was continuing on, which made the additional point that he could run faster AND further. His Ego failed to mention how difficult it would be running the next four miles back after exerting so much energy chasing down wonderboy! After victimizing Palmer, his Ego fled the scene. Speaking to reporters Palmer said, “I think I learned my lesson. I should have left wonderboy in the dust, crushing any hope that he could outrun me.” Shaken by the ordeal, Palmer is resting comfortably at his Nashville home, eating cold pizza and reliving game 7 of the NBA Finals.

***

when jessie was little, i made up a little song for her when we were on the swings at the park. to this day, we both remember the words and the tune….

Big trees and pretty flowers,
Green grass and blue skies.
Big trees and pretty flowers,
Green grass and blue skies.
And the birds fly around, fly around, fly around.
The birds fly around,
Like they’re going into town.

***

where would i be in life today if it weren’t for my lucky orange running shorts?

***

yes, let it be known. the name is de Palma. as in Italian. as in Sicily.

***

i had hot pizza for lunch. so it makes complete sense to have cold pizza for dinner. get my logic here?

***

cooking chocolate chip pancakes with jessica…

***

you know things are bad when your own therapist starts laughing and they can’t stop!

***

okay, if you go to a codependent support group, do you get codependent with the codependents??? that would be a train wreck! hey, come to think of it, that would be SO awesome :)

out of the wreck i rise

Jim May 29th, 2010

Wednesday’s Facebook Text:

“It’s unfortunate that I am giving another difficult update on behalf of Jim Palmer. This morning Jim was involved in a serious car crash on a Nashville Intersate. His car was struck from behind by another vehicle traveling in excess of 100 mph. The incident has been reported as a “hit and run.” Jim’s car spun out of control and rolled multiple times. Three other vehicles were involved. Emergency personnel pulled Jim from his upside-down vehicle and he was rushed to a nearby Nashville hospital. Jim suffered a lower back fracture, broken ribs, and other typical bumps and bruises. Others suffered more serious injuries. First responders characterized Jim’s survival as a “miracle.” You can see from the pics below. All things considered, Jim is doing well and recovering.”

Jim’s Facebook Post Today:

as the car rolled i knew it must be my time to die. upside down and hanging from my seatbelt, i was certain i had sustained fatal injuries. at first i panicked. i was trapped, left for dead. the other car was on fire. how long before mine would be? i couldn’t breathe. i didn’t want to suffocate or burn to death. but th…en i was calmed. it was dark. i was alone. no one had yet arrived on the scene. it was just me trapped in the darkness and waiting to die. in my heart i came to peace with it. i entered deep into myself and let the whole world go and everyone in it that i loved. i cried. i said goodbye and somehow it was okay. i was ready to die. but then i heard a voice in the darkness, “Are you okay down there?”

*

Jim is in the process of recovery and rehab. He is doing great and will be back soon!

26.2 and cheating death with 10 minutes left to go

Jim May 24th, 2010

(Unpacking this experience is going to take more than one post. Here’s part one – just the facts.)

Maybe it was my lucky orange shorts. Maybe it was an angel named Gabriel. The time clock of my life read 00:10:00. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick tock; just in the nick of time I made it.

My friend Gabe and I left Nashville at 3:00 a.m. for the Rock/Creek Trail Marathon on Raccoon Mountain in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Contrary to weather reports, there was cloud cover and it felt relatively cool – great conditions for running 26 miles in the mountains! I took a false comfort from those clouds, which proved costly later in the day.

We hit the trail at 8:00 a.m.. I quickly discovered why they called this the Rock/Creek Scenic City Trail Marathon. There would be these places along the trail when suddenly a vista would open through the trees and you’d be looking across a wide peaceful valley and rolling hills on the horizon as far as the eyes could see. Sometimes it felt like this must be the most beautiful place in the wide world and I felt like Forrest Gump, taking it all in, feeling it all, and giving myself over to the majesty of the moment with each stride.

The marathon name was also accurately descriptive – lots of rocks to navigate and creeks to cross. Perhaps a more accurate name would have been the Rock/Creek/Hills Marathon. There were some steep elevations, and the trail was more rugged than I expected. I like challenges; this was one; perfect! I fell on my ass a few times along the way, which only served to double my determination. This damn mountain was not going to defeat me! Whether it was running out or stumbling out I was gonna make it out and look back with that Lance look when I did.

There was cloud cover, which meant no hot sun beating down. But it was humid. I remember thinking at the mid-way point that it was strange that sweat was already pouring off those orange shorts down my legs. I was losing a lot of water but I felt fine and kept pushing on. During any marathon or ultramarathon there are moments when you have to decide within yourself that you will endure whatever the cost. Your mind will try and talk you out of it but you dig deep, find that other gear, and keep going. I had a few of those moments, one of them after a hard fall. I’ve always been a survivor. I wasn’t gonna stop now.

26.2 miles later I did make it off that mountain: victory! I felt great! Sure, there was the typical aches and pains but nothing unusual. We hung around for a while for the post-marathon stuff, and then headed back to Nashville. About 20 minutes down the road I began feeling strange. I asked Gabe to find a place where I could get a milkshake, hoping it might pick me up. As he pulled off at the next exit, I realized something was seriously wrong with me. I was not okay; everything was shutting down. I fell over in the seat unconscious.

In the parking lot of a Hardees, Gabe frantically began searching for help. He asked someone where the nearest hospital was. He was told he should go back to Chattanooga. What Gabe did next probably saved my life, which was simply asking someone else. He quickly drove over to the nearby gas station and asked someone else, telling them it was a medical emergency. Turns out, there was a medical center just down the street. He rushed me to the ER. When I was pulled from from the car I virtually had no blood pressure. It was heat stroke. For 26.2 miles the sweat pouring down my arms and legs was not evaporating, causing my body to overheat and cause dehydration to fatal levels. Doctors in the ER took immediate action. They told Gabe that had he decided to take me back to Chattanooga I would have not survived. Given my lack of blood pressure, body temperature, dehydration and unconsciousness, doctors said I had about ten minutes left or I would have died.

Okay, you with me? I had ten minutes to live. I made it. I’m still here. Part Two coming.

it’s all the things you won’t say (another week in the life of one big nobody)

Jim May 20th, 2010

Helping Jessie w/her math homework. “Sally had 3 dozen fig trees which she planted in 4 rows. How many trees were in each row?” This is way too complicated for me. Don’t you have to know how tall the fig trees are or how old Sally is??? Yeah right, Sally “planted” them! Give me a break! I know Sally!
*
It’s all the things you won’t say…all the feelings you won’t own or express…all the questions and doubts you won’t voice…it’s what you’re thinking but not saying…it’s what your hiding…it’s the thing that fear is preventing you from saying, thinking, feeling, owning, and expressing…that makes you so shallow.
*
i think i liked Forrest Gump so much because there wasn’t a big gap between what he felt deep inside and living. he didn’t divide them up. they were just sort of all one thing. the attached song touched something way deep inside this morning. maybe i’ll live like Forrest today.
*
I run. Today I will run far. I want to know exactly how far I can run, and this will be part of answering that question. I have to know. A lot happens over the distance of every run. You breathe, you think, you feel, you hurt, you doubt, you believe…you keep running hill after hill, mile after mile. The Jim at the st…arting line is not the same one who returns. He becomes a little wiser, a little more self-aware, a little more alive, a little more compassionate, perhaps even a little more enlightened, a little stronger. I run. Today I will run far. How far can i run? I have to know. Ready, set, go!
*
I am Jim Palmer. I have Touretts. When it’s bad I can serverely strain my neck by jerking it so much. I will sometimes raise my arm up and down repeatedly. If you listen closely you can sometimes here me humming. I wish I could hide it. I don’t want you to see it. I wish my dad hadn’t told me I could stop if I really w…anted to. I hated myself that I couldn’t. Are you looking at me? Do you think I’m strange? I feel trapped. I need someone to touch me. Please don’t touch me. Sometimes my Touretts wears me out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m telling you this because there are lots of us. Please understand us and accept us. Please don’t stare or make jokes of us. I am Jim Palmer. I have Touretts.
*
This is my first Mother’s Day without my mom. I remember sitting spellbound as a little boy watching my mother in the kitchen work her magic arranging flowers. Hidden beneath sweaters and blankets in her dresser drawers were sketches, paintings and poems I sometimes dug out to look at what she wasn’t at home. It’s a sh…ame my mother rarely used and enjoyed her artistic gift. This is but one of countless cruelties I wish away about her sad life. Who knows what other wonderful qualities she had before the sorrow and bottle stole them away. Somehow here creativity was born in me. I sometimes think of mom when I’m collecting leaves on autumn walks to arrange across the fireplace mantle, or picking spring flowers to exhibit in a vase on the table. I learned from my mother you never have to go far to see something beautiful if you have the eyes to see. There is still a little boy inside that sometimes still wants to feel her hand atop my head.
*
how many miles must i run before i am free to be me. not sure yet. i’ll let you know when i get there.
*
where are you going to find “it” today? where do you figure “it” will be? maybe “it” is everywhere, and all you have to do is be open to it. maybe “it” is riding on that breeze you just felt across your face or the warmth of the sun upon your skin. maybe “it” is as close as your next breath. maybe “it” is written acros…s this morning’s sunrise. maybe “it” was right there in your bed in your lover’s arms. did you see “it” in that person who just smiled at you? maybe “it” is in your next thought…your next feeling. maybe “it” is simply the number of things you are alive too. so, where are you going to find “it” today?
*
Doing Life for Dummies by Jim Palmer
Chapter One: Be Good At Letting Go
Chapter: Read Chapter One Again
*
**CNN HEADLINES** (NASHVILLE, MAY, 7) JIM PALMER DRAGGED FUTHER INTO FATHERHOOD. Today 11-year-old Jessica Palmer took another step toward normal, healthy independence by deciding to go home and hang out with a bunch of friends after school. This was met with great alarm by her dad Jim Palmer, who was under the assumpt…ion that Jessica only wanted to spend every waking moment of her discretionary time with him. Palmer, overtaken by emotion, spoke to whoever would listen outside the school, “What happened to daddy’s litle girl??? You know, like, what about the M&M cookies I made?!” Live reports indicate that Palmer has barricaded himself in his home, watching Jessica’s old toddler videos and eating cookies.
*
The tetonic plates of my life are shifting, sometimes colliding. There may be an earthquake. I’ll warn you.
*
There is no gun to your head. If you think that thought you need to think, feel that feeling you need to feel, say those words you need to say, make that choice you need to make, let go of what you need to let go of…you’re not going to die. I know that you fear you will, and it feels that way. I know right now it fee…ls like you are holding a gun to your head. You’re not. There is no gun. You’re not going to die. You will see.
*
LETTER TO LAP LANE CLOCK:

Dear Lap Lane Clock,

Funny meeting you here again today. Yes, I see you. With every flip turn I know you are staring down at me. I see your hands insistently pressing forward in time: tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock. You can’t keep your eyes off of me, can you? I got you worried, don’t I? Yo…u thought you would beat me to the finish. You figured you’d hit your time before I touched the wall on lap 40. Hate to tell you lap lane clock that I have another gear to use. You’re about to see it. It’s just a tragic fact – you can’t go any faster and…well…I can. I’m sorry lap lane clock but I’ll be back on another day. Maybe next time…maybe not.

Sincerly,
Jim
*
I am not a person. I am an option. Just one, really. You need and want me now. You won’t tomorrow. There will be other options tomorrow. I am expendable, and eventually unnecessary. You have non-negotiables; I’m not one of them. You can let me go, move on, and be okay. I was never permanent; just something you needed f…or a time – a fix, a temporary solution but something you can do without. I am an app. You can delete me. You don’t have to have me. I don’t really belong to anyone or anywhere. I am an add-on. You can cut me lose and be gone. You don’t have to commit. Why would you? I am not a person. I am an option.
*
I don’t ‘think’ myself through life as much as I ‘feel’ myself through it. It has a downside. It has an upside. I wish you could pick sides. You can’t.
*
***CNN HEADLINES*** May, 17 Nashville. NASHVILLE TRIATHLETE FRIGHTENS WOMEN IN HOBBY LOBBY. This morning at 9:13 CST amateur triathlete, Jim Palmer, gave Hobby Lobby customers a scare when he entered the store in his triathlon gear and began asking questions, which demonatrated that no way in hell should he had been in… Hobby Lobby looking for anything. Apparently, Palmer was trying to figure out how to build a small city out of styrofoam as part of an art project he volunteered to do with his 11-year-old daughter. Hobby Lobby manager spoke to CNN, “The dude is totally clueless! This art project will be a train wreck, and frankly I’m concerned for his daughter.” After asking several stupid questions related to the project, Palmer ran out of the store, giving several middle-aged women a great scare. Reports indicate that Palmer has barricaded himself in the running shoe section at Dicks Sporting Goods.
*
here’s what it feels like. it’s like i’m standing at this line – my toes right up to the edge. i know i must step over this line but i fear there is no ground on the other side. what if i put my foot down and there’s nothing there? what if i fall into space…into nothingness…what if i just keep falling and never find the ground again?
*
okay, you know something is seriously wrong when you cry watching Mall Cop!!
*
Music Videos of the week:

Regina Spektor
*
Coldplay, Lance Armstrong
*
Boyce Avenue
*
plus 44

all dressed up and wondering where to go

Jim May 7th, 2010

“gone running. when i get back, i’m gonna start planning my “Jim Palmer Facebook Tour,” which is basically me showing up at your place expecting you to buy my breakfast…lunch….and dinner, maybe even take me to a movie.”

*

“Tues, May 4, 6:55 CT (AP): Today Jim Palmer answered angry critics that he has not yet saved the world, despite his claim he really wanted to, and half believed he could. People hurled insults as Palmer as he was running on a Nashville greenway, “Hey Superman, forget to eat your Wheaties!!” At 10:00 CT Palmer issued th…is statement, “I truly regret the suffering that continues in our world. I now realize that I must first end my own suffering.” Palmer then hung a “Gone Running” sign on the podium and was gone, leaving the dismayed crowd stunned.”

*

“okay…like…i have a HOT date tonight. her name is Jessica. she’s a few years younger than i am but who cares about that stuff anymore. anyway, it’s dinner and American Idol.”

*

“I never had the chance to say goodbye to my mother. There was an ocean of hurt seperating us, and then she was gone. Even Superman couldn’t get there soon enough. Failing to rescue my mother from her depression was the greatest heartache of my childhood. Some memories you carry around inside you like pieces of broken glass.”

*

my shoulder tat

my shoulder tat

*

“swim. bike. run. love. (repeat)”

*

“Giving love is the easy part. I didn’t think it would be so hard receiving it. I want your love. But I’m afraid of losing it. You’re here now. But will you be tomorrow? I’ve been around, and I know how this story goes. I heard everything will be okay in the end. It’s not okay; maybe it’s not the end.”

*

“M E M O R A N D U M
May 7, 2010
11:05 A.M.

To: The guy in the lap lane next to me
From: Jim Palmer

You will not outlast me!”

*

” It’s all the things you won’t say…all the feelings you won’t own or express…all the questions and doubts you won’t voice…it’s what you’re thinking but not saying…it’s what your hiding…it’s the thing that fear is preventing you from saying, thinking, feeling, owning, and expressing…that makes you so shallow.”

*

Songs of the week:

Inside of You

Lose Yourself

Bellas Lullaby

a week in the life of nobody

Jim May 1st, 2010

“so, i figured out i wasn’t perfect today. not EVEN close. it was painful. everywhere i stepped i was tripping over my faults and flaws. i was hoping to rescue the world, i couldn’t even rescue myself. NOTE TO JIM: NO ONE SAID BEING HUMAN WOULD BE EASY.”

“many times as a little boy i would lay flat on my back in the middle of this nearby grassy field and stare into the sky above. it was my favorite thing to do whenever stormy skies rolled in. i would lay there in the soft grass, feel the cool breeze upon my face, and watch the darkness inch across the heavens. it was the place i went to let my pain, loneliness and heartache out. i felt safe to shed my tears in that field. today i closed my eyes and remembered that field and felt compassion for every person, child or adult, who suffers in silence.”

“i think the thing that makes me saddest about the thought of dying is leaving Jessica behind in this world. i can hardly bare the thought of it. i don’t ever want to be separated from her, even though i know i actually never am or will be.”

“Sometimes a Jenny appears when we need one. Sometimes we are the Jenny.”
Forrest and Jenny

“What are we so fearful of that we don’t give expression to the deep things we feel? Why do we stop ourselves from giving love? Shall there be rules against love or laws to regulate it? Consider the next person you come across or interact with – if you are not the one to show that person love, who will? If you are not the mirror reflecting their goodness and beauty back to them, who will be that reflection? If you do not tell them they are accepted and treasured just as they are, how will their fear be dispelled? What are we so damn afraid of that we don’t freely and openly express love and acceptance into one another’s lives? What keeps us from being love and being acceptance everywhere, all the time, with everybody?”

“are there questions we don’t ask, repress, avoid, run from or push aside because we fear what the answer might be?”

“friends can help each other. a true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel. or, not feel. whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. that’s what real love amounts to-letting a person be what he really is.” jim morrison

“you stretch down across the bike like a cougar poised to pounce on its prey. you are locked and loaded in the aero-position with legs pumping like metal pistons of a well-oiled machine in a rhythm as old as time. beads of sweat run down and drip off the end of your nose, quads burning, while you hold a lazer-like focus… ahead of you. the hill comes and at just the right time, you come out of the saddle and turn it on. you feel the tip of the saddle back and forth between your thighs and under your crotch as you rock back and forth. it’s an attack! you pass him, and you let him know about it as you glance back. ahhhhhh. feels so good!”

“you know you are codependent when you’re concerned if your therapist is getting their needs met. i even hide my real self from my therapist! i really want him to like me!”

“I am learning so much. I have so much to learn.”

fav pic of the week…

fav vids of the week…

gender wars :)

imagination

favg songs of the week…

Angels

Time of my life

It only hurts when i\'m breathing

oh yeah…and there was a famous/magic chair involved.

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