Can we stop judging each other?

May 9th, 2012

I’ve judged a lot of people in my life and I’m not proud of it. What I mean by “judge” is taking what little you think you know about a person or a situation, or interpreting another person’s actions in a way where you feel justified in making a disparaging conclusion about them. That judgment is the first domino that falls, typically leading to objectifying the other person, and withholding love, acceptance, understanding, empathy, and compassion. Sometimes judgment can be so severe that one actively seeks to punish or inflict harm upon the person they judge.

To be honest, judging is easy to do. Almost reflexively, we can convert the tiniest shred of knowledge about a person or situation and come up with a rather imaginative and harsh theory about them. I’m the first to admit that I can do this with the best of them! If I’m in a judgmental kind of way, I can come up with some bad stuff about the guy ahead of me in the grocery express lane just because he has too many items, and I’m in a hurry!

Realistically, it’s difficult to break the habit of judging until you have painfully been on the receiving end of it. Even then, it’s no guarantee. Surprisingly, some people who have suffered under the harsh judgment of others, still continue being judgmental people themselves.

I’ve been on both sides – the person judging and the person being judged. Here are a few things I am learning.

You don’t know what is going on inside another person. How many times have you been asked how you are, and said “fine,” even though you weren’t? We all know this is true. We mask our pain. We put on the happy/smiley face when we are dying inside. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean another person isn’t hurting. A person’s actions or behaviors may not be any indication of what is going on inside of them.

Also, I’ve found that most people are doing the best they can. I know this is sometimes difficult to believe about another person. I get that. It’s hard for me at times to believe that about others.

But think about it. You know it’s true. It’s complicated! Life is complicated! People are complicated! There are a lot of moving parts inside and outside a person. Aren’t we all a little off – carrying pain, unhealed wounds, ways we protect ourselves, and other dysfunctions we have picked up a long the way?

At times we can look at another person’s life and just see all this stupid stuff it appears they’re doing. On the outside looking in, another person’s life seems pretty cut and dry to us in terms of what they should be doing or not doing or how they are handing a situation or whatever. It’s amazing how quickly we turn into the infallible personal life coach when it comes to another person’s life!

Unfortunately when a person is judged, all the aforementioned factors often come into play: A person is experiencing their own hurt or heartache; they are doing the best that they can; and someone on the outside feels justified to draw an unforgiving conclusion and off they go passing judgment, objectifying the person, and withholding love.

It’s quite possible that the most painful human feeling is one of being judged. There’s so much involved – silent pain; being misunderstood; rejection in the very moment we most need understanding, love and acceptance.

When it comes to the issue of judgment it can easily turn into a big emotional ordeal. You’d think religion would make a person less judgmental but often religious people are the worst! What’s that about???

So, how can we learn to do life without judgment – the kind of judgment I’ve been describing above? What has helped you approach life and people without judgment? What is at the root of judgment? Maybe that’s one way of addressing it. Are there spiritual beliefs or truths that have helped you approach life and people without judgment? What is the change of mind or heart that makes the difference?

“I judge him. He judges me. We judge them. They judge us.” How do we change this? Let’s say next time when you are prone to judge another person, you do the other thing. What is that other thing? If not judgment, what is the alternative? What can we give people? What would it look like? I’m sure we all have stories about how we have been judged, and how painful it was. Is there anyone out there who has been either on the giving or receiving end of not judging? Tell us. Describe it. What happened? What did it feel like?

(photo by darla)

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Shedding Religion by the numbers

Dear Jim (sometimes I cotemplate walking away and then …)

May 5th, 2012

To be honest, the work of an author isn’t really what most people imagine it to be. Sometimes I get so frustrated I contemplate walking away from it altogether. And then I receive an email like the one I did today…

“Dear (Divine) Nobody,

I’ve only read chapter three of Divine Nobodies: Shedding Religion to Find God (and the unlikely people who help you), “Waffle House Theology”…, but as soon as my fellow transient-in-residence finishes the book I promise to devour it quickly. My friend and I are both currently enrolled in the Nashville Rescue Mission’s life recovery program for men who seek help from/for (fill-in-the-blank). I’ve smoked crack cocaine and patronized jails, hospitals, rehabs, and missions for almost two decades. My friend and I just finished discussing whether I’m at a mission, once again, because of my addiction(s), or has my addiction been not only to “hard” drugs, but being institutionalized also. Either way, we’ve had an ongoing conversation about contemporary Christianity’s tendency to promote performance, good “works”, and living in Christ over grace, faith, and Christ living in us. Needless to say, the weekly speakers at the mission, from various denominations (and doctrines) reflect this tendency. Your book, “Divine Nobodies…” was hiding between your average over-sized biblical commentary and the last James Patterson novel in our in-house library. The colors of the paperback’s spine and, subsequently, the title caught my eye- and then my heart. We were hoping you would be interested (or inspired even) in paying the downtown rescue mission a visit, and “shedding” some more light on the subject.

A (divine) nobody myself”

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Dear Jim (The Roller Coaster Ride of Putting Life, God, and Self Back Together)

May 3rd, 2012

 

I connect with lots of people who are “deconstructing their faith,” the process of shedding religious beliefs and practices, and exploring and embracing whole new categories and experiences of life, faith and spirituality. This started for me back in 2004 as I began sharing my journey and story as an author, beginning with Divine Nobodies, then Wide Open Spaces and most recently, Being Jesus in Nashville.

Deconstructing and reconstructing one’s faith takes people in lots of different directions. Christians often shed preconceived notions, deeply held beliefs and practices in search of a more real and liberating Christ-centered experience of God. In other cases, people move away from faith and belief in God entirely, as this USA Today article shows in the case of religious clergy becoming atheists.

The process of deconstructing and reconstructing your religious beliefs and the spiritual component of who you are can be a messy process. People often contact me and share how religion messed them up, and the process of starting over or putting yourself back together again can be a volatile process. I wrote a post about some of the mistakes I’ve made along the way.

I received an email yesterday from someone who shared how the reconstruction process is unfolding for them. A portion of the email reads:

“I think I am through my deconstructing, at least largely so.  The next question is what to reconstruct.  It is definitely not a mistake that the word CONSTRUCT is part of these words because that is what religions are, CONSTRUCTS to deal with reality and help us make decisions.

Can we live without a construct? Or float between constructs?  In reality, we probably all do this to some degree everyday, even if we call ourselves Christians or Buddhists, etc.

For now I am just checking out or trying on different constructs, thought/belief experiments.  Buddhist for a day.  Atheist for a day.  Emergent Christian for a day.  Universalist for a day.  Person who tries hard to love everyone for a day.  Angry, resentful, bitter for a day.  ETC  I think the 2 main principles that keep floating to the top are 1.)  What belief system(s) helps me the most to love those around me, really love them, help them become better human beings and feel loved.  2.)  Which belief system(s) help me feel content/at peace/joyful/effective?”

So, I’m wondering where you faith/growth journey is taking you these days. How are things unfolding for you? What is it looking like for you – the good, the bad and the ugly? What are you finding and experiencing? I mean… like… really… how’s it going and how are you doing? What are you exploring? What is working for you? What has been difficult? What has been liberating? What parts of your life have been impacted? Has it changed and impacted your relationships? I truly want to know what your experience is, whatever that is!

(Photo by Darla)

 

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Dear Jim… (insert tears here)

May 1st, 2012

I received this email today, and was given permission to post a portion of it.

“Dear Jim,

Here is my question…,.

I have a disease where there is no cure, no remission, treatment is doubtful at best. You come to the day when you are faced with the news that you have years, perhaps 10, confined to a bed with no movement. Only head nods and if you are lucky a few words.

What would Jesus say, feel or impart to someone like me purposefully ending life at that point? Is this sinful? Am I doomed to hell, Jim? I need to know…..

I’m using a walker now. This from a woman who skied black diamonds 13 months ago. I owned that damn mountain. I want to own at least a tiny part of life again. I don’t want to live like that, but I don’t want to be doomed forever.

Love to you”

What would Jesus YOU say?

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Are we supposed to be figuring God out?

April 26th, 2012

Since the beginning, humankind has been trying to figure out God. Numerous religions currently exist, even denominations and factions within the same religion, all claiming to have the correct understanding or interpretation of God. And yet most religions agree that God is a mystery and can’t be comprehended definitively.

If this is true, what is the value of pouring our energies into understanding, comprehending, and determining the correct view of God? And further still, devising a system of beliefs and practices based on this understanding? Would this make sense if your starting premise was that God is a mystery and beyond comprehension? Wouldn’t that be like saying, “I know I can’t jump high enough to touch the moon, but I’m going to keep trying anyway.”

Further still, where did the premise of trying to figure out God come from? Does God expect or desire this of us? Does God want us to pour ourselves into determining this correct understanding? Was it all meant to be about increased comprehension? Are there any clues in Jesus? Did Jesus focus people on the task of unraveling the mystery of God? Did Jesus encourage people to develop a comprehensive understanding and belief system about God?

Yesterday I experienced deep feelings of love and peace and connectedness and intimacy and acceptance and joy. Is it possible that this experience was all the “God” I need to “know.”At the time I felt no inclination to understand or comprehend anything more than what I was experiencing in the moment. Trying to further conceptualize it in some way to fit some certain comprehension of God seemed more of a distraction than a value added.

So, I’m wondering what would happen if we became less concerned about figuring things out and comprehending God, and instead became more in tune with those deep feelings of life within us, whenever and however they happen. Maybe the premise of comprehension was never meant to be the focus. Jesus seemed to keep it pretty simple, even using children as an example to follow. A child enjoys the moment and isn’t terribly analytical about any of it. Maybe these deep feelings and the responses they stimulate and inspire is the kingdom of God and no further analysis is needed.

I’m not meaning to discount any person’s search for truth , including the desire to understand and comprehend God. This isn’t one of those, “the intellect is worthless, only ignorant people try to comprehend God, blah, blah, blah…” I’m just thinking out loud here about where we place our focus and why.

What would it look like to let go of the need to understand and comprehend God, and instead to simply be present in the experience of God’s kingdom with no further need to comprehend or explain it? Like, what if that was enough and that was the way it was meant to be? No need to formulate concepts about it, no need to locate some place within a coherent belief system to authenticate or justify it, no need to judge it, understand it, or analyze it.

Jesus once said that knowing his truth resulted in living freely and unencumbered. Jesus invited the “weary and burdened” to come to him and find that “yoke is easy and burden is light.” Maybe Jesus was referring to freedom from the wearing and burdening weight of religion, and it’s insistence upon figuring it out.

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Being Saved From the Gospel, and The Diary Series of Divine Nobodies

April 23rd, 2012

I’m doing a regular eCommunity Newsletter. I’ve done five so far; here’s the one I just sent out, including the stories – Saved from the Gospel, and The Diary of a Divine Nobody book series. Hear also from other divine nobodies. Click the link on the sidebar to subscribe and be part of the divine nobody eCommunity.

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Dear Jim (“eventually you have to go out and live your life”)

April 22nd, 2012

“I wanted to share with you a little bit about my own journey.

Early in my free range Christian experience, God revealed to me that He loves me and accepts me just like I am. But the moment I accepted this knowledge and felt its truth within me, on the heels of that revelation was the question…….Then why do I need Jesus?

Jesus was always Savior to me. So, if I didn’t need saving, then what was I supposed to do with Jesus? Jesus has become a puzzle piece that I have sitting on my table of life that doesn’t fit anywhere anymore, and I don’t know what to do with it/Him.

Having the question within me is why I was so excited to read your book, because I felt that you were asking a similar question, and I was interested to hear what your conclusion would be.

I feel that we came to similar conclusions. I have come to feel that if a person feels like they need saving, then Jesus is there to save that person. I sure needed saving at certain points in my life, and Jesus was there to save me always.

But now I feel like I’ve grown up and don’t need saving very much anymore. I KNOW God loves me and is not mad at me. In fact, I think He likes me a lot just the way I am, lol. It’s just like the analogy you gave in your book of letting go of Jessica and watch her ride away on her bicycle.

I’ve come to think of church as a place like school. It’s for children, to teach them things they need to know. But eventually children grow up and graduate and go out and live their lives, using some of the things they learned in the institution of school.

If a person knew nothing of God, then church might be an OK place to go for awhile. But eventually you have to go out and live your life and express your own spirituality, without having anyone looking over your shoulder to tell you if you’re doing it right or not.

I’ve rambled too much, and I know you must have a bazillion other emails to read. I just wanted you to know that I deeply appreciate you sharing your leaving Jesus experience and how it doesn’t mean that you’re anti-God, but you are actually expressing God, every day, just be being Jim. And I do it to, by being me.

It’s such a treasure to know these things and to find others who know it too. Thanks for writing Being Jesus in Nashville.”

(Being Jesus in Nashville , Kindle ebook)

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There is no magic formula to use or class to take

April 20th, 2012

From the Dear Jim file…

“Through a lot of thinking and reflection I have come to realize that the times I felt closest to God were not through all by business and conscious effort on my part but just the opposite. It was in the quiet still moments. It was while driving in my car or standing in line at at the check out counter. It was while staring at a tree and seeing its branches move by an unseen force. It is in the quiet enjoyable moments and sometimes even in the daily mundane moments that I find myself growing closer and more aware of God. There is no magic formula to use or class to take. All I need to do is be open to Him and be His Love wherever I am.”

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Is religion standing between you and the life you want?

April 17th, 2012

Over the years scores of people have contacted me and shared how their religious experience was a hindrance to their relationship with themselves, God and others.  Here are a few ways that religion/”Christianity” and transformation have not gone well together, based on my own experience and what others have shared with me.

1. The “old is gone and the new has come”-mentality can be used as permission to not squarely confront, face, and address the painful or unresolved issues of your past that continue to impact your present life and relationships.

2. The premise that people are inherently bad, born “sinners,” and rejected by God can greatly diminish one’s worth and value, and relationship with self.

3. The tendency to focus on externals, appearances, and change as behavior modification/morality can distract a person from digging deep enough into the layers of who they are, which is necessary for growth and transformation.

4. Seeking/expecting God’s “intervention” in one’s life can cause a kind of passivity where a person doesn’t take responsibility or action in ways they are necessary for growth and transformation.

5. Meeting-based and surface-level relationships, which sometimes characterize institutional church, can often lack the depth, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability that we need in our relationships to support our growth and transformation.

6. The separatist mentality of religious sub-culture can cut people off from connection and relationship with others outside that sub-culture, which significantly limits the people who could contributing to our journey of growth and transformation.

WHAT OTHERS WOULD YOU ADD?

We are all responsible for the choices we make in terms of our involvement with religion. People can sometime take on a “victim” mentality, forgetting that we were active and willing participants. I could just as easily do a post, highlighting people’s positive experiences with religion. But for the sake of this post, I’d like to hear how your religious involvement has been a hindrance or obstacle to growth and transformation in your life. Also, if you’re a “shedder” I’d be interested in knowing what growth and transformation has looked or been like for you outside the context of institutional church or organized religion, or since you’ve found freedom from the religious mentalities/context that were previously an obstacle for you.

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