Jim October 5th, 2008

it’s fall, and we decided to do a house deep clean yesterday. it involved dragging a bunch of stuff out into the garage in preparation for next weekend’s neighborhood garage sale. it’s amazing how much stuff i hold onto that i don’t need or use but for some strange reason can’t let go of. and yet getting this stuff out of our house felt good. it kinda felt like having a new beginning – a fresh start on a simpler and uncluttered life.
it got me thinking about all the “letting go” kinds of things that have been an aspect of my journey these last few years. for example, there have been many instances of letting go of my fixed ideas about all kinds of things – my fixed ideas about people, my fixed ideas about God and truth and myself. in many respects Divine Nobodies was simply my story of letting go but the letting go continues to this day. it’s not easy to let go of long-held ideas. heck, for that matter, it’s sometimes not easy for me to even let go of short-held ideas! my mind likes the security of a fixed idea, especially the ones i come up with.
i’ve also had to let go of the notion that i can control my circumstances. my motivation for wanting to control them was the misguided idea that the “right” circumstances would bring me love, peace, contentment, fulfillment, and freedom. an aspect of this has also been letting go of the notion that God sits on a throne in the sky, and if i’m good or pray a lot, that God will intervene and work out my circumstances as desired, or at least as a bare minimum protect me from catastrophy. in many respects, this was the motivation during my religious days – appeasing and petitioning God as a means of influencing the circumstances of my life.
the letting go list goes on – letting go of others opinions of me, letting go of those activities and endeavors of my life that are just ego games, letting go of my attachments to outcomes, and letting go of my misplaced dependencies for worth and identity. for many years i thought of spiritual growth as addition, adding a bunch of stuff you don’t currently have to your life that you imagine you need: more knowledge, more discipline, more commitment, more faith, more community, more service, etc. it seems now though that it’s more a matter of subtraction. i already am all that i need (an expression of God, the kingdom of God within, Christ life, however you relate to it), and letting go or subtracting the other stuff allows it.
the words “letting go” aren’t perfect because they seem to emphasize that it’s something i consciously did. there’s a real fine line here because it doesn’t seem like i should really take much credit. it’s not like i set out to identify what to let go of, and then as i uncovered things said, “Oh okay, well I’ll just let go of that one now, and be done with it. Whew, glad that one is gone.” what seems to happen is that all kinds of factors come together in any given moment or circumstance where i become conscious of needing to let go. often it involves experiencing suffering, and then i discover that the root of my suffering is something i’m holding onto.
the words “letting go” also seem to imply that it’s a one-and-done deal. but for me, “letting go” is more of a daily tool. plenty of opportunity presents itself in my mind to latch onto something, and so i see it for what it is and refuse to grab ahold of it. i let it go.
(photo by Shenghung)