do we have to be sucked into life’s crap?
Jim October 20th, 2009
Truth always sounds good when sipping a White Mocha at Starbucks, but does it hold up when the shit hits the fan in life? Hmm…maybe this is the perfect time to live what’s true and real.
There is a Jim Palmer who has been conditioned to react to life circumstances with fear, hurt, worry, anxiety, anger, withdrawal, bitterness, and all sorts of other volatile reactions. When I am hurt, misunderstood, treated unjustly, or life circumstances begin crumbling around me, that Jim wants to react in those ways. It may feel good in the moment but it only makes matters worse, and typically multiplies one problem into three new ones. If nothing else, my mind gets all wrapped around the axle of the situation and there is no peace or rest, just more anxiety and upset.
But I’m finding that my true nature and deepest feelings provide a different way of responding to whatever life holds. This other Jim deep below can endure and suffer any hardship without being threatened or undisturbed.
I have found that Jim Palmer is like the ocean. Sometimes life sends a violent storm that creates turbulent waters on the surface. Looking from shore all you can see is the wind blowing, the waters churning, the waves crashing, the rain pelting, the thunder pounding, the lightning flashing – a violent storm at sea. Sometimes life blows in and creates a storm like this on the surface on my life. But there’s another reality deeper below. Deep, deep below the surface of the sea, everything is as it was. Nothing is undisturbed. Take a submarine down twenty thousands leagues under the sea and you find my true nature that is undisturbed, at peace and free. So, I have a choice – fight the storm on the surface by jumping feet first into all the volatility of it or become aware of that nature deep below and listen to it, trust it, follow it, respond from it.
Maybe the crap has hit the fan in your life. Are you fighting it or reacting against it on the surface? Fighting fire with fire? Or are you aware of another nature deep below that is undisturbed and responds differently? From a Christian perspective you might think of that nature as the Christ-nature or the Spirit. Is that another ‘you’ twenty thousand leagues under the sea? Could we be helping each other by pointing to and affirming that nature within each of us? It’s easy for that reactionary-you to be hooked by the crap that hits the fan. Can you learn to create a space between you and the situation in order to find, connect with, and respond from that deeper nature?
What are your thoughts? Seems like all our interesting spiritual concepts are essentially a load of crock if they aren’t real where the rubber meets the road. Has your spiritual evolution truly changed the way you move through life and how you respond when the storms blow in? Is a deeper Christ-nature just nice-sounding theology or is it something real for you when life becomes a real crapper? How does your spirituality hold up when life sucks? I’m just wondering. Wherever you are, be honest if you can. Maybe we can encourage each other along. No one has arrived. Lets talk it through together.
(photo by zoo gal)
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when i pulled my dead child out of the lake in 2000, i had to tap into what i knew. all the scriptures.. the rubber meets the road crap.. had to be real or not. I called on God and asked for mercy.. we got his heart beating again and him breathing by the time the ambulance came (45 minutes later)… but he was having seizures. the ER doc said, Not Good and he was lifeflighted to a large childrens hospital.
Driving there gave my husband and I time to really pray and get a calm peace we had not know existed.
We got to see him in the icU, he had slipped into a coma.
Around 2:00am a nurse called me to say, he suddenly sat up and started taking out his tubes and IV’s and wanted chicken nuggets and his mother.
They said it was a certified miracle.
I believe it.
Yes there is a place that God has for you when the shit hits the fan.
I’ve been there.
Thank you Lesa for sharing your story. How beautiful..
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I am in a place right now where I am drawing from deep within. Mom passed away a couple of weeks ago and this has left me feeling things I’ve never experienced. I have decided whole heartedly to walk thru this. To reach for the other side. To not react in ways that require clean up later. If you know what I mean! Plus I had the courage today to quit my dead end job and reach even further into my potential and do something in life that actually fits who I truly am. I am a counselor. I don’t know this will manafest itself, but too late, I quit! My last day is December 1…
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In my life now when shit hits the fan, I stand. I wait a minute. Decide and then procede. Nothing is worth leaving a trail of destruction for. In the past I would have crumbled and cried and whined and bitched. Or fallen apart leaving myself unable to function. In the midst of difficulties it is 100% possible to stand upon my spiritual life that I’ve been feeding for years now. Rubber has met the road and I am functioning and enjoying where I am, even tho it’s difficult…
thanks lesa and Sunflower Mama for sharing your life. lesa, i love my daughter Jessica more than anything in this world and i can’t imagine how powerless it must have felt to see your son go through this. Sunflower mama, having lost my mother a few weeks ago, I can especially relate to what you are experiencing.
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it seems my friends on Facebook have been discussing the post if you want to check out the conversation there -
http://www.facebook.com/Nobody.JimPalmer
SFM – been thinkin’ bout cha lots!
I’ve known this grief as you know, and the stages it has presented itself – suffering a crazy, but brief set back this summer but with a good friend worked thru it. (ie it’s not linear! ) : )
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Lesa…. I see these kids sometimes – often, they do not do as well as your child. When my nephew was two – my Mom, Dad and I saw him floating face down in the middle of my parent’s pool (i thought YOU were watching him…..). I’ll never forget my Mom at the sink washing dishes, Dad and I talking near her when Dad yelled out, “Jordan’s in the pool!!!!”. I know exactly what I wore and can visualize each step i ran – in painful slo mo to grab him – now 17 years ago. I now worry about him losing more teeth playing hockey but it’s all good. On occasion, I have had to tell parents that their child is dead and that “we couldnt’ save him”. (hanging – accidental or otherwise, drowned, car accident) In those times, for some reason, I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet – how DARE I tell ANY parent such an unspeakable thing.
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anyway, i suppose i am getting WAY off topic.
“How does your spirituality hold up when life sucks?”
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Gosh — such powerful experiences! Vicki, I cannot comprehend having to deliver news such as you mentioned. It would make me melt horribly.
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I can say that there is no deep, spacious, immovable place within me that I have been able to locate in times of sadness, fear, or distress. In those times, I am wholly tossed about by the waves.
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We moved into a new house a little over a month ago, and over that time, my OCD issues have gradually — almost daily — gotten stronger and stronger, so that at this point I feel as though my environment is completely “contaminated”. I would wear a space suit if I could. One object or person (wife, son, daughter) touches another object, and the contamination spreads. I throw out one thing after another, drive my wife crazy, frustrate my kids, and feel generally unable to settle. I had stopped using latex gloves around the apartment for three or four months, but I’m back to wearing them here in the house. My OCD issues have always been aggravated by other stresses, and work has been generous with those lately. I know from experience that the strength of these episodes ebbs and flows, but right now, I’m having a lot of trouble finding rest. (How can I when there’s nowhere I feel truly comfortable sitting in the house except at the kitchen table?)
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Though I pine for that stillness that is “20 thousand leagues” beneath, I do feel that the hidden blessing in the turbulence is the way it makes me face my utter inability to make it through the day without leaning on Him. It makes me depend on grace.
I’ll go check out your facebook but i feel safer answering here for some reason. It seems like a quiet corner for intimate conversation vs. a huge room of people talking all at once (not knocking it – i dig FB!)
As you know, I walked away from God for over a year. I am still not back to where I can label myself a Christian but I do believe there is some sort of Universal God out there.
I have found that when the shit hits the fan, I handle it basically the same with or without my Christian faith. It seems to be more about the attitude I adopt, the things I do to try to maintain without totally losing it. Its been the most difficult year of my life (and I’ve had 50 of them…years, not lives, I’m not that out there). I don’t know if it would have been any different if I were still praying to Jesus or not. I pray but not specifically to Jesus or a Heavenly Father – I don’t know where my prayers “go” but I feel them strengthen me at times and I feel better when I pray for others.
If anyone here has been the parent of a heroin addict, you know what its like. Its a nightmare. Its a drug that is different from all others – it owns the addict and changes them into someone you don’t recognize (not physically like meth, just personality, etc).
So anyhow…I’ve managed to live through his suicide attempt, his accidental OD, his stealing from me, his three arrests, etc. etc. Thankfully he’s in jail right now. Only the parent of an addict can relate to be thankful for such a thing
I love your blog, your thoughts and the comments left here. I don’t know if I added anything helpful. I just can’t really tell a difference in my life now or for the 20 years I was devoted to Christ.
joel – my buddy – didn’t know the move was causing this much chaos. I am putting on sterile surgical scrubs in my mind and sending you a huge bear hug. I love you friend.
Thank you, everyone, for sharing your powerful stories in such real ways. That’s what makes them truly powerful—the combination of your own doubt-fear-trust and God’s power and love.
Jim, the ocean metaphor is perfect. I fight a lot of stuff on the surface—this is something I really need to work on, as I try to dig deeper with God (and I think this metaphor will really help me shift to a different paradigm).
Blessings as you go deeper, too.
Thank you so much, Vicki!
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My OCD will abate, as it always does. It is like a heat-seeking missile that locks on one target, and then in while moves on to another.
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Your love and tenderness are felt and graciously received, though. I’m feeling that hug from all these miles away!
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I think the thing I really wanted to get at is that when my life’s waters are choppy, my experience has been that when I go deeper, there isn’t a greater stillness within me that I can access. That just hasn’t been the way it’s worked out for me, thus far. I hope this doesn’t sound like my waters are shallow – to belabor the metaphor. I think it is more that for me, when life’s crap hits the fan, my weakness, my frailty become apparent to me, and I remember that it is God alone that can calm my waves.
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I have occasionally wondered if the spiritual experience isn’t a bit different for folks whose wiring in the noggin is a bit tangled. What I mean is, for me, when I’m at my most restless, my mind IS the cause… usually. Let’s see if I can rework the analogy…
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…For someone whose mind is not their ally, it’s as if THEY (meaning ME) are the cause of the waves. And further, that it isn’t my own thrashing about that causes the turbulence, but a faulty engine that can’t just be fixed with an epoxy and some duct tape. (Ok, I’ll try to dispense with the metaphor before I kill it.)
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When the question of fixing the mind WITH the mind comes up, I think it’s a bit of a loop. There is something of this in AA (12 step) theology, where the addict acknowledges that there is nothing within them that can overcome the disease – only a higher power that they can turn to.
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I have the most profound affection for a person’s ability, or inclination, to mindfully go within and find a still place that is untroubled by the surface chaos. There are many roads to the Kingdom of the Now (of God). For me, though, especially when things get rough, what I turn to – what I need – is grace.
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I think of Shin Buddhism. In the west, when we think of Buddhism, we almost always think of a permutation of Zen or the Tibetan sects. But in Japan, the largest sect is Pure Land. In Shin (Pure Land) Buddhism, it is acknowledged that while the other meditative paths work for many, others need the salvific power of grace that flows from “The Buddha of Infinite Compassion”, which, I would say, is Divine Love, agape. The word they use in Shin is Tariki, or “Other Power”. We could just say Jesus…
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Bear hugs help a lot too – even from the northern hinterlands.
Wow..like everyone I, too, have been through many “ocean storms” including the loss of a child, my father’s death, the loss of my husband’s 26-year-old job (with no warning). As I look back, I see that the “black whirlpool” that threatens to swallow potential victims whole seems to lose its power when that place of peace is found. In my experience, peace does not ever come quickly. There seems to be a prerequisite of a trusting period of sorts. But, when that place of peace arrives there is no higher place…it feels like being carried in strong arms above the turmoil. The trick is finding that place…it doesn’t seem to come easy.
Yes, we have to be sucked into (this) external life’s crap so we learn that our (real) life cant be found in this (so called) external “life”.
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The only place we will ever truly find the “Life” we’re all looking for is deep, deep within ourselves in the “middle of the middle of us”.
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But it takes a hellish season before we’ll ever consider looking in there (deep within) since its so much easier to try and find a life “out there” in the realm of appearances. I’ve given up on finding anything truly soul satisfying “out there” and have turned my gaze inward, Christ-ward. I’m loving the jouney, hard going as it may be at times. Blessings
14 years ago this month we lost our first grandchild to Shaken Infant Syndrome while in the care of his babysitter, we had to go through 2 trials, the first ended in a hung jury, the 2nd found her not guilty. I felt like life had been sucked out of me. On the day of his funeral it rained so hard the whole time we were at the cemetery, it stopped raining when we got back home. I went outside and prayed, God I know Cody is with you, please give me a sign that he is okay…nothing happened, I went back inside, about 1/2 hour later I went back out and there in the sky was a pair of what I call baby angle wings made out of clouds, they moved up and down a couple of times then slowly disappeared. That moment has gotten me through so many hard times, knowing that Father took the time to show me that He’s there for me. One other time, about a month after Cody died I was up at the cemetery, talking to him, asking Father to come into my life, to change me so that I could be with Cody some day. I was expecting this ray of light to come down from heaven and fill me with this warmth, I have a wild imagination. There was a bad storm coming, but no light. All of a sudden way off in the distance I heard these windchimes, only Father would know how much windchimes mean to me, I used to hold Cody up so he could kick the ones on his mom & dads front porch and he would laugh. So when I heard those chimes I knew Father knew my pain and was there for me-I haven’t heard those chimes up at the cemetery since. We sometimes miss the small things Father sends our way to comfort us, and support us. We just need to be mindful to watch for them. I am so loved.
Dear Sue. What tragic circumstances you have been through and are still suffering from – you are still grieving the loss of little Cody, and my heart goes out to you. No amount of angel-wing clouds or chime-bells can take away that pain you are experiencing every day. This world has dealt you a cruel blow. How can your ‘wild imagination’ call this awful experience, LOVE?
Hi Audrey, thank you for your post, it didn’t start out feeling love. That is something Father has shown me over the years. He has sent some wonderful people to comfort and support my family me. If I hadn’t gone through what I had, I’m not sure where my faith would be right now, because I didn’t even know Father could talk to me, the moment I realized how He was speaking to me, it’s like my whole world changed and I’ve never been the same since. He didn’t promise we wouldn’t never go through pain, but He did promise He wouldn’t leave us, and he hasn’t. I know in my heart I’ll see Cody again and then we will never be seperated. There are people in this world that are suffering things a lot worse than what we’ve been through, my heart breaks for the ones that don’t know Father.
Sue, I am so impressed with your attitude and how you have dealt with difficulty. After reading Jim’s books, I became more aware of dailyt happenings and I am in agreement with you that God is speaking to us in small ways everyday. It is neat how you feel his love for you.
For me, I haven’t been through all that. What I currently feel is a bit different but then quite similar in a way. I am now like an ocean that looks peaceful on the outside but turbulence and chaos is going on deep within.
Moving to a new town, first semester in uni and going to a new church with a totally new culture (both church and people culture), it feels very hard now. At times in church it feels fine knowing it is a time to worship. Yet there are times when loneliness comes knocking and making me feel like all my life inside is being sucked out of me.
Big city people feels generally not so friendly, not so open to talk to strangers. Even entering church, they just keep to their own group. Even if they see someone sitting there alone, they wouldn’t really talk to them also. It gets really painful at times.
Trying to connect with my bible study group leader whom I hardly know yet need to work with and learn to trust, sometimes it feels very hard as on the outside she seemed rather hard to approach and I am always one who fears to offend people.
Being in a new place, all the insecurities and uncertainties all surface again. I need to stand up, be bold and just speak to people despite my own uncertainties.
Then back in uni, with my own gang of friends with no Christians around, it seemed like there’s a responsibility to look all well on the outside. And there is no one to share all these things and all these are pent up and going on tossing and turning inside.
And so, I have been feeling so tired. As if a thousand years of sleep will never dissolve the tiredness.
But this topic reminds me of this song:
Forgive Me by Group 1 Crew
Father, I’m going through some heavy things
It seems like this world ain’t getting any better
The more we try to get closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne
I’ve spent so many nights wonderin’ when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I’m running the race but it seems too hard to win
I’m sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning
I’m calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart’s been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home
The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can’t take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home
Chorus:
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left
I’ve come to terms that I’m burning both sides of the rope
And I’m hoping that self-control would kick in before I’m choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I’ll never make it I’m not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn’t do it I would lose it there’s no point to the fight
And I’m writing this song, for the people who don’t belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that’s filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It’s annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn’t pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there’s no crying
I’m dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul
Lord I don’t know what I’m struggling for
There’s go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I’m here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through
This is my first visit to your site Jim. The people here seem to be beautiful spirits looking for the oneness of God beautiful love. I am a newcomer to knowing God. I’m 60 years old and the last time i was in a church was when i was maybe 14, but i watch a brother die 6 months ago without fear. he had been a strong religious man until the last few years of his life, and he abandoned organize religion so that he could feel the true beauty of jesus.
As a non believer i looked into his eyes and i didn’t just see a man dieing without fear, I also saw a man excited about his next journey, and at that point I knew i needed to know what he knew.
I am looking forward to revisiting your site Jim, I Believe there is much for me to learn here.
love always
Doug, I never get tired of hearing a new believer tell about how they come to know Jesus. Your words are so fresh in comparison with the religious/holy talk of someone just reeling off cliches with little meaning that they’ve heard all their lives.
Doug that is a very inspiringly little letter of yours. It reveals a simplicity that a lot of us need to grasp hold of. Now don’t you go cluttering yourself up with all the religious bullshit that keeps floating around. Keep to the real and it will help us all. Most of us are going through an “unlearning” faze.