Jim’s Blog

Jim May 20th, 2010

Helping Jessie w/her math homework. “Sally had 3 dozen fig trees which she planted in 4 rows. How many trees were in each row?” This is way too complicated for me. Don’t you have to know how tall the fig trees are or how old Sally is??? Yeah right, Sally “planted” them! Give me a break! I know Sally!
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It’s all the things you won’t say…all the feelings you won’t own or express…all the questions and doubts you won’t voice…it’s what you’re thinking but not saying…it’s what your hiding…it’s the thing that fear is preventing you from saying, thinking, feeling, owning, and expressing…that makes you so shallow.
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i think i liked Forrest Gump so much because there wasn’t a big gap between what he felt deep inside and living. he didn’t divide them up. they were just sort of all one thing. the attached song touched something way deep inside this morning. maybe i’ll live like Forrest today.
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I run. Today I will run far. I want to know exactly how far I can run, and this will be part of answering that question. I have to know. A lot happens over the distance of every run. You breathe, you think, you feel, you hurt, you doubt, you believe…you keep running hill after hill, mile after mile. The Jim at the st…arting line is not the same one who returns. He becomes a little wiser, a little more self-aware, a little more alive, a little more compassionate, perhaps even a little more enlightened, a little stronger. I run. Today I will run far. How far can i run? I have to know. Ready, set, go!
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I am Jim Palmer. I have Touretts. When it’s bad I can serverely strain my neck by jerking it so much. I will sometimes raise my arm up and down repeatedly. If you listen closely you can sometimes here me humming. I wish I could hide it. I don’t want you to see it. I wish my dad hadn’t told me I could stop if I really w…anted to. I hated myself that I couldn’t. Are you looking at me? Do you think I’m strange? I feel trapped. I need someone to touch me. Please don’t touch me. Sometimes my Touretts wears me out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m telling you this because there are lots of us. Please understand us and accept us. Please don’t stare or make jokes of us. I am Jim Palmer. I have Touretts.
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This is my first Mother’s Day without my mom. I remember sitting spellbound as a little boy watching my mother in the kitchen work her magic arranging flowers. Hidden beneath sweaters and blankets in her dresser drawers were sketches, paintings and poems I sometimes dug out to look at what she wasn’t at home. It’s a sh…ame my mother rarely used and enjoyed her artistic gift. This is but one of countless cruelties I wish away about her sad life. Who knows what other wonderful qualities she had before the sorrow and bottle stole them away. Somehow here creativity was born in me. I sometimes think of mom when I’m collecting leaves on autumn walks to arrange across the fireplace mantle, or picking spring flowers to exhibit in a vase on the table. I learned from my mother you never have to go far to see something beautiful if you have the eyes to see. There is still a little boy inside that sometimes still wants to feel her hand atop my head.
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how many miles must i run before i am free to be me. not sure yet. i’ll let you know when i get there.
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where are you going to find “it” today? where do you figure “it” will be? maybe “it” is everywhere, and all you have to do is be open to it. maybe “it” is riding on that breeze you just felt across your face or the warmth of the sun upon your skin. maybe “it” is as close as your next breath. maybe “it” is written acros…s this morning’s sunrise. maybe “it” was right there in your bed in your lover’s arms. did you see “it” in that person who just smiled at you? maybe “it” is in your next thought…your next feeling. maybe “it” is simply the number of things you are alive too. so, where are you going to find “it” today?
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Doing Life for Dummies by Jim Palmer
Chapter One: Be Good At Letting Go
Chapter: Read Chapter One Again
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**CNN HEADLINES** (NASHVILLE, MAY, 7) JIM PALMER DRAGGED FUTHER INTO FATHERHOOD. Today 11-year-old Jessica Palmer took another step toward normal, healthy independence by deciding to go home and hang out with a bunch of friends after school. This was met with great alarm by her dad Jim Palmer, who was under the assumpt…ion that Jessica only wanted to spend every waking moment of her discretionary time with him. Palmer, overtaken by emotion, spoke to whoever would listen outside the school, “What happened to daddy’s litle girl??? You know, like, what about the M&M cookies I made?!” Live reports indicate that Palmer has barricaded himself in his home, watching Jessica’s old toddler videos and eating cookies.
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The tetonic plates of my life are shifting, sometimes colliding. There may be an earthquake. I’ll warn you.
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There is no gun to your head. If you think that thought you need to think, feel that feeling you need to feel, say those words you need to say, make that choice you need to make, let go of what you need to let go of…you’re not going to die. I know that you fear you will, and it feels that way. I know right now it fee…ls like you are holding a gun to your head. You’re not. There is no gun. You’re not going to die. You will see.
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LETTER TO LAP LANE CLOCK:

Dear Lap Lane Clock,

Funny meeting you here again today. Yes, I see you. With every flip turn I know you are staring down at me. I see your hands insistently pressing forward in time: tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock. You can’t keep your eyes off of me, can you? I got you worried, don’t I? Yo…u thought you would beat me to the finish. You figured you’d hit your time before I touched the wall on lap 40. Hate to tell you lap lane clock that I have another gear to use. You’re about to see it. It’s just a tragic fact – you can’t go any faster and…well…I can. I’m sorry lap lane clock but I’ll be back on another day. Maybe next time…maybe not.

Sincerly,
Jim
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I am not a person. I am an option. Just one, really. You need and want me now. You won’t tomorrow. There will be other options tomorrow. I am expendable, and eventually unnecessary. You have non-negotiables; I’m not one of them. You can let me go, move on, and be okay. I was never permanent; just something you needed f…or a time – a fix, a temporary solution but something you can do without. I am an app. You can delete me. You don’t have to have me. I don’t really belong to anyone or anywhere. I am an add-on. You can cut me lose and be gone. You don’t have to commit. Why would you? I am not a person. I am an option.
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I don’t ‘think’ myself through life as much as I ‘feel’ myself through it. It has a downside. It has an upside. I wish you could pick sides. You can’t.
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***CNN HEADLINES*** May, 17 Nashville. NASHVILLE TRIATHLETE FRIGHTENS WOMEN IN HOBBY LOBBY. This morning at 9:13 CST amateur triathlete, Jim Palmer, gave Hobby Lobby customers a scare when he entered the store in his triathlon gear and began asking questions, which demonatrated that no way in hell should he had been in… Hobby Lobby looking for anything. Apparently, Palmer was trying to figure out how to build a small city out of styrofoam as part of an art project he volunteered to do with his 11-year-old daughter. Hobby Lobby manager spoke to CNN, “The dude is totally clueless! This art project will be a train wreck, and frankly I’m concerned for his daughter.” After asking several stupid questions related to the project, Palmer ran out of the store, giving several middle-aged women a great scare. Reports indicate that Palmer has barricaded himself in the running shoe section at Dicks Sporting Goods.
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here’s what it feels like. it’s like i’m standing at this line – my toes right up to the edge. i know i must step over this line but i fear there is no ground on the other side. what if i put my foot down and there’s nothing there? what if i fall into space…into nothingness…what if i just keep falling and never find the ground again?
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okay, you know something is seriously wrong when you cry watching Mall Cop!!
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Music Videos of the week:

Regina Spektor
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Coldplay, Lance Armstrong
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Boyce Avenue
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